I've had a skim through, and here's what I need to work on.
Making sentences active. They aren't strictly passive all the time, but they aren't active either. My beta pointed out how to change some of them. I've printed the email to keep as reference.
Point of view slips. Self explanatory. I do it a lot.
Characters: making them feel real. I have one solid character (not the one I expected either). Need to reduce character fuzziness. This is a tougher one than becoming more active.
The bonus parts: Humour was enjoyed, and the world. Um, Beta-reader, I don't world build. I make it up as I go along. :D Also when I nailed my voice, apparently it works well. Yay! There is hope. And beta-liked the final paragraph! Now I just have to worry about the 70k before that...
Here are some of my self thoughts:
Just how did I get common over 3 times in one sentence?
I am not a smooth writer. This is one thing to work on.
There are times I create illogical situations. Great!
I have one character talking to a light, thanks to not so great phrasing by me.
I say one thing in one chapter...and then completely ignore it in the next.
Beta reader, I can't easily put across how much I love the time and effort into this wip my Muse created. Thank you isn't enough. Sling me your wip soon, okay?
So yes. I can say that for now, DD is officially on hold. Termion is top priority for making this pebble into a shiny diamond look alike. Or a least a sapphire (blue is so pretty - just like Jinna's hair).
Let the rewrite commence.